Wednesday, June 16, 2010
A Declaration Of Faith
For months I've blogged here and there on the journey my wife and I have been walking out, a journey that God set us on what feels like forever ago. Using a wrongful firing as an open doorway for me to make writing my full time career, God called us both out of our comfort zones and led us in the direction we've been walking now for almost a year. The lessons we are learning about God and faith are invaluable and will serve as markers for our children someday, not to mention the changes they have sparked in my me and my wife.
That's not to say this path has been easy or even enjoyable all the time. I think my wife and I are so close to the the fulfillment of the promises that God made us that it's easy for me to forget what the promises were to begin with. The end is so very far from the beginning. At the start of this path, God sat down and spoke to us about what the end of the path would hold for us - a living off my writing and widespread influence from my fictional stories. That was a promise. It was a promise that we have been holding onto for so long now, that sometimes I wonder what I'm even doing. Sandstorms come by and blind me to the directions I'm supposed to go in. The storms rage on and try to lure me into worry, doubt and constant anxiety, most of which concerns our finances.
I wrote in another blog that we are living off $1080 a month and we have over $1700 in expenses. But for ten and a half months now God continues to cover all of our bills. My eyes widen each month when I see miracle money come through and take care of things. We always have food in the cupboard, are always able to pay our $840 rent - every month. There is always gas in our tanks and minutes on our phones. This is living by faith.
There are those around us that tell me to get a 'real' job. There are those that tell my wife to get a better paying job. There are those who tell me I'm crazy, and that's fine. Maybe I am. But maybe I am just that someone God is looking for - someone crazy enough to look past the natural and rely on the supernatural to get by. I'm not living this life for kicks. I'm not living it because I love to struggle and strain. I'm not masochistic in any sense of the word. I live this life to obtain the promises of God. I live this life to prove to others that God is capable of miraculous things, if we would only just look for them and believe that they can happen. I live this life to be an example.
Yes, it's been uncomfortable not having extra money to go to a movie or eat out, even at a fast food restaurant. Yes, I doubt sometimes and I even wonder where we're going. I lose focus of the promises, I lose focus of the goal and the purpose God set forth in the beginning. When we are hours from a bill being due, I find myself questioning if God will come through. He does. He always has. There is nothing He hasn't taken care of for us.
Living a life based on necessity for a while instead of living a life based on want is the most challenging path I have ever walked. And it's okay. Because I know that the night is darkest before dawn. I know that whatever I sow into this journey I will reap either along the way or at the very end. And when I am on my knees, my will broken, my carnal self struggling with questions of the Heavenly realms, I feel God's presence and it makes it all worthwhile.
So close, He whispers. You are so close. Don't give up. Be strong, be courageous. Even though the fog is thickest now, even though parts of me want to quit, I won't. I can't. The fulfillment of these promises are right around the corner. So I will hang on, I will hold tightly to the anchor God has set up, stand on the solid foundation while all the storm rages around us. Beyond the pounding rain, beyond the hazy fog, beyond the dark waters, I know the fulfillment of the promise is there. In these last hours though, I will have to put all of my doubts aside and walk by faith to obtain those promises. It will take everything of me but I know at the end, I will be who God always planned me to be at that moment.
I will be a person changed by faith.